Jessica Luv's blog

Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the most drunk, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker, were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first guy says, "My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position."

"What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?" asks the second man.

The first guy explains, "Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...' Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds."

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man removes his glass eye, puts the eye in his mouth, and bites it.

"That's not fair," says the bartender., "How was I to know you had a glass eye?"

"Very well, then, I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."

The reluctant bartender agrees to take the bet, so the man pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

By now, the bartender is really pissed off. He hands the man his money and walks away.

The man sits down at a table and starts drinking beer after beer. Some ten beers later, the man gets up and starts talking to another patron.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. When the bar closed in the early hours of the morning, the man removed himself from his bar stool and left the establishment. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking alone on the sidewalk.

The really drunk fellow stumbled over to the nun and surprised her with a knuckle sandwich to her face.

Before the surprised nun could react, the drunk fellow punched her yet again, knocking her to the ground. Then, the drunk fellow kicked her in the rear end.

Finally, he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By now, the nun was very weak and almost lifeless.

Three men, an American, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, "Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!"

The Russian replies, "There's plenty of that where I come from."

The Puerto Rican doesn't want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The American exclaims, "Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!"

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he noticed that something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and there was no response from his pilot.

The blind man felt around for the radio, then called the radio tower in a panic, "Help! Help!"

The tower quickly responded and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind man yelled frantically, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"

The tower acknowledged the man and asked calmly, "Sir, how do you know you're upside down?"

Replied the blind man, "Because the shit is runnin' down my back!"

A middle aged man,about 5'8" tall,walks into Walmart and asks where the pharmacist counter is.He is directed to it.

When he reaches it,he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man,looking around furtively,asks quietly,"Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly,"Yes,sir.We certainly do."

The man then asks,"Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says,"Perhaps,if you took five or six pills at once you might."